I am tired….

So normally LB is a great sleeper – after she gets over her 9pm fussies (which DB deals with, not me) – she’ll sleep until 2:30 or 3, take a bottle, and sleep again until 6 or so. Which is awesome and makes mommy very happy.

The last two nights, she has NOT been a great sleeper. She grunts, snorts, fusses, and generally keeps me awake. After Monday night, I was convinced that it was the formula giving her gas and making her unhappy. So last night we began the process of switching her to the Similac Sensitive for fussiness and gas (Sounds perfect, right?). But last night, she was even worse than she was the previous night. By 4:30, I just got up, took her down to the couch, and let her sleep on me – something I swore I would never do as a parent. (How quickly all those “When I’m a mother, I will never…” fall by the wayside when you’re desperate for sleep…)

She is now her usual happy-go-lucky self, hanging out in her bouncy seat while I futz on the internet and sing Golden Oldies to her. But now, I’m doubting the whole “It’s the formula” conclusion. If it were truly the formula, wouldn’t she be unhappy and grunty after every bottle, not just the 9p bottle? Wouldn’t she have been unhappy the entire time, not just getting worse recently? Are we going to switch her unnecessarily? Should I call the pediatrician and see what they say? But what if they want us to bring her in – I don’t really think this warrants a visit, but how do I tell them that without looking like a neglectful mother?

The worst part about being a first time mom is the constant second guessing of yourself. It drives DB nuts because I perpetually doubt that I’m making the right decision or doing the best thing for LB. Normally I am a fairly confident person, but motherhood has brought on a level of anxiety I have never experienced. And who knows? Maybe you don’t doubt yourself any less with subsequent children – they probably just bring their own totally new set of worries.

And what is compounding all of this and making it even more stressful than it would be otherwise is the fact that my mother arrived yesterday for a multi-day visit. My mom is a wonderful woman, probably one of the most generous people I know, but good God, she stresses me out. I feel like I have to justify and explain the way we are doing things with LB constantly. She insists that she isn’t questioning me and that she’ll do whatever we want her to do however we want her to do it, but I can’t shake the feeling that I’m being judged. I have been weighed and measured and I have been found wanting.

Oh the joys of being a slightly paranoid first-time mother with an overly “helpful” mother of her own…

One thought on “I am tired….

  1. Pingback: I am really, really tired… | BeerCat Brewing

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