1) It is a bad, bad idea to try keeping an eye on your crawling, super inquisitive, doesn’t-understand-no daughter while simultaneously slicing vegetables on the mandolin. Without the finger guard. Like an idiot. I didn’t want that piece of thumb anyway….

2) When you’re clipping your little one’s finger nails, you should wear eye protection because those little suckers fly off in every direction. And yes, they can get stuck in your eye for hours. And it is not fun rubbing your eye in bed later that night and pulling a fingernail clipping out of it.

True stories, swear to God.

Because who could make this stuff up?