Remember how, for my Whole30 exercise goal, I said:

I will walk or run with Jake for 30 minutes 5 days a week.

Well, that’s not going so well.And I had big plans for exercising with Jake.

See, at least every few days I come home and tell the DreadBrewer that I’m going to take LB and Jake for a nice long walk. He dutifully helps me get the Littlest Brewster situated and puts Jake on a leash and, equipped with a couple of poop bags and a bottle of water, I set out.

This is the immediate and non-stop stream of thoughts in my head and words out of my mouth.

-Why are you panting already? We’ve gone 15 feet. It’s 65 degrees! You are not hot. I am not taking you home.

-Poop, Jake, poop! C’mon, I know you have to poop, you haven’t pooped all day. You don’t want to poop? Fine, we won’t poop.

-No, don’t poop in the nice people’s yard! Dangit! You were supposed to poop in the natural area!

-Why are you freaking out? It’s just a car. It’s not going to hurt you. I promise.

-Why are you pulling? Don’t you realize you’re wearing a choke collar and it chokes you when you pull?!? Seriously, stop pulling! Ohmygod, my arm is killing me….

-Why are you freaking out?! It’s just a person. She’s not going to hurt you. I promise.

-If you don’t like it when the stroller touches your butt, don’t stand in front of the stroller!!!

-Why are you freaking out?!? It’s just another dog. He’s not going to hurt you. I promise.

-Seriously? You’re pooping again!?!? That’s such a tiny poop it’s not even worth wasting a bag on. It wasn’t even worth the effort to squat. That was a subpar poop, Jake. I am not impressed.

-Why are you freaking out?!?! It’s a rock in the road! It’s not going to hurt you. I promise.

-Sweet Lord, we are only halfway around the block. WHY did I decide to take them both out? Maybe I can cut through the common area to get home… no, the mean man lives there and he’ll yell at us. I guess we have to suck it up and walk the long way home.

-You want to run now? You were panting to death 5 minutes ago! Fine, let’s run. Oh, you’re done with running? No more? Fine. I didn’t want to run with you anyway.

And this continues essentially unabated for the entire walk. When I walk in the door, DB invariably says something like, “You weren’t gone that long.” or “That was a short walk.” And I invariably say, “Next time I want to take them both for a walk, don’t let me.”

Don’t get me wrong. Jake is a super sweet dog and we love having her (and yes, I know that Jake is a she). LB loves her, the cats tolerate her, and she seems to like being with us. She’s just not a good leash walker.

So I guess my plan of having a dog that I can take out for a quick couple of miles is shot to hell. That’s okay. I don’t have a body I can take out for a quick couple of miles, either…