Things I want to teach my daughter

In addition to the usual list of life lessons (Don’t smoke, don’t use drugs, don’t carry a credit card balance), there are quite a few things I want to teach the Littlest Brewster. Most of these are things I wish she would learn quickly. Like…

-How to blow your nose on command


-How to cough on command and get that rattly junk out of your chest.

Or maybe we should just work on these concepts:

-Wiping your nose will not kill you. There is no reason to cry hysterically every time someone tries to get the snot off your face.

-The milk in the cup is the same as the milk in the bottle. It hasn’t magically changed into poison because its in a different vessel. I swear it is just as delicious as it used to be.

-Having your diaper changed is not worse than sitting in your own feculence all day. Nor is it child abuse. Running away from me only postpones the inevitable and is an exercise in futility.

-The corner cabinet is now and always will be off limits. Cry in front of it a much as you want, but you’re not getting a free pass to play with the Cuisinart blades that are stored there.

-You should be grateful that someone wants to rub you down with nicely scented lotion every night before bed. If I had someone doing that for me, I sure as heck wouldn’t flail about in an attempt to dissuade them from doing it. Enjoy it instead.

-Throwing your food on the floor or smashing it with your hands is not an appropriate way to say you’ve finished. A simple “All done” will suffice. Even a head shake would be a better choice.

I’m sure there are more, but these are the main “lessons” I wish LB would learn at the moment.

What do you wish you could teach your kid?

2 thoughts on “Things I want to teach my daughter

  1. These crack me up! Lest you think your daughter is the only one with a strong personality, let me just assure you that Alan and I are right there with you on this one.

    I especially appreciate the one about nose-blowing, as we are all three getting over some nasty illness, and the corner cabinet with the blades, as all of Suzy’s toys of choice are whatever is the most dangerous thing in the room. Our personal battle is her great love of biting chunks of whatever she can get her hands on… stuffed animals of course (the big shedders are off limits for the moment), the wood on the baby gate… and can you believe, some industrial-strength metal from my mom’s oven/warmer (my mom couldn’t figure out how the nice new shiny thing could have gotten messed up, then she realized it is exactly at Suzy’s level…).

  2. Bwahaha! These are all so true!

    If I never have to sing the “Don’t Pee on the Floor” song I made up (out of necessity) I would be thrilled.

    Also, I’d love for her to know that food doesn’t magically taste better when it’s off Mommy’s plate. Yours is not poisoned, kiddo.

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