Welcome To Parenthood

You know you’re a parent when:

-You’ve used a spit cloth to clean condensation off your car windows. And then wondered why your windows are all smeary and you can’t see for shit.

-You have ever said: We don’t touch our privates at the dinner table or in the living room. Only in the bathroom!

-Or you’ve said: No dinner until you put some clothes on! No naked heineys at the table!

-You’ve let your toddler pee in her hair rinsing cup and then poured it into the toilet, rather than dragging her kicking, screaming, and slippery out of the tub to pee in the toilet proper or just letting her pee in the tub. And then had to deal with the resulting tantrum that you didn’t let her pour out the pee pee.

-You’ve ever told your child that something is spicy, just so you don’t have to share it. (That’s some spicy chocolate!)

-You’ve ever used a hospital-grade snot sucker to baste a turkey. Necessity is the mother of invention, is it not?

-You’ve ever been to the pediatrician so many times for miscellaneous illnesses, snot, fevers, and up-chuck that you’ve thought of just authorizing bank account access for copays.

-You’ve gotten to the point that when you find a stain on your clothes, you sniff it and, barring identification, you assume it’s bodily fluids from one of your offspring and move on to the next, more pressing matter. Like what to make for dinner. Or what happened to all the wine.

-You’ve read a list like this and thought “That’s so me! But it was like this when it happened to me…” And then you told me all about it. 🙂

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