This may come as no surprise to you all, but the holidays are a terribly stressful time. In fact, one could say that November and December kind of suck.
Yes, there is joy and love and all that jazz. Seeing my kids light up at Thanksgiving and Christmas is priceless.
But there are also expectations and deadlines and all this other crap. I’ve never coped particularly well with the holidays (understatement of the century there), but now that we’ve added in the extra baggage of having lost my mom right before Christmas, I’m a total wreck.
Since October, I haven’t been taking care of myself. I haven’t exercised. My eating habits have been abysmal. My mood has been up, down, left, right – basically all over the map. I hold it together pretty well at work, but it’s like Jekyll and Hyde at home.The DreadBrewer has been bearing the brunt of this, largely without complaint, because he knows how hard this time of year is for me – though I’d be lying if I said that I was a model of motherly patience these last few months and that my kids hadn’t been impacted to some extent by the funk surrounding me.
And I’m so tired of it.
I’m tired of waking up dreading who I’ll be that day.
I’m tired of going to bed hating who I was that day.
I’m tired of having to work so hard to muster the energy to care – it would be so much easier to just lie down and give up and tell everyone and everything where to get off.
I thought about getting back on anti-depressants. But I don’t want to. Not yet, at least, until I give it a shot on my own.
So I’m finally getting my sad, sorry ass in gear and trying to work my way back to the sunshine. The holidays are behind us (thank God!). My mom’s anniversary has come and gone. I have the support of the DreadBrewer to do what I feel like I need to do. (Heaven knows that man would probably agree to anything if it brought his happy wife back.) No excuses for not trying.
And I’m going to try. I’m going to start exercising again. I’m going to work on eating healthfully. I’m going to make an appointment to see my therapist (I almost wrote counselor, but let’s call a spade a spade, people). If these things aren’t enough, I’ll consider meds. But I think that if I just make a point to take some time and actually do the things I need to do to make me feel like a whole and worthwhile person, I’ll see a big change. And I think I can do it.